Ever since I got my own place and stopped squatting in public libraries and foreclosed properties, I’ve realized that there are a lot more freeloaders out there than you may have realized. They show up mostly uninvited and at all hours of the day and night to feed off the smorgasbord of resources in your home until they’ve been completely used up. Then these leeches, fattened by the generosity of their hosts, fall off and aren’t heard from again until they need to drain more resources. I’m not bitter or anything, just trying to warn you, John and Jane Q. Public, about the growing problem of freeloaders. Because if you’re not careful, you’ll end up with some overweight, musician-wannabe slob eating your chocodiles, warming your couch with his silent-but-deadlies, and clogging your shower drain with clumps of back hair so thick it looks like Cousin It and Chewbacca made nasty animal love in your bathroom.
Freeloaders come in many forms; they can be relatives, best friends, significant others, or favorite f**k buddies. They can spend all day on the couch watching TV and playing video games or they can simply hang around eating your food and enjoying your indoor plumbing. They might also make frequent calls to Howto Keep an Idiot Entertained because they’re too dumb to get the joke the first time. A freeloader can be anything or anyone, but there is certainly one thing that they are not: welcomed. If you happen to be the target of a freeloader, it may be difficult for you to identify freeloader behavior, so it will be important to listen to the “objective” opinions of roommates, friends,or significant others that aren’t currently mooching off you.
Properly identifying a freeloader requires a complicated, scientific mathematical formula that I made up five seconds before writing this paragraph. First, count the number of bags that the alleged freeloader has on his or her person when first moving into your place. Let’s call this number “U.” Next, we’ll multiply U by the number of days your freeloader first says they’ll be staying with you. This number is “RA.” We will now divide the product of URA by the product of the amount of your food in ounces that has been consumed without permission (B), and the product of the amounts of time (U) and energy (M) that you have had to sacrifice in order to deal with this “houseguest.” Your equation should look like this: URA /B(UM)
If you work out this equation and end up with a non-imaginary number, then you have just figured out that your friend/relative/f**k buddy is a freeloader.
By the way, Chad, if you’re reading this, I want you to know this is not about you. I’m totally cool with you crashing at my place until your music career takes off. I think there’s a huge market for DJs who blend house and polka. I just need you to stop eating my chocodiles. Seriously, dude. They’re really hard to find.
Until next time (or until I figure out how to do math),
DeVon
Ever since I got my own place and stopped squatting in public libraries and foreclosed properties, I’ve realized that there are a lot more freeloaders out there than you may have realized. They show up mostly uninvited and at all hours of the day and night to feed off the smorgasbord of resources in your home until they’ve been completely used up. Then these leeches, fattened by the generosity of their hosts, fall off and aren’t heard from again until they need to drain more resources. I’m not bitter or anything, just trying to warn you, John and Jane Q. Public, about the growing problem of freeloaders. Because if you’re not careful, you’ll end up with some overweight, musician-wannabe slob eating your chocodiles, warming your couch with his silent-but-deadlies, and clogging your shower drain with clumps of back hair so thick it looks like Cousin It and Chewbacca made nasty animal love in your bathroom.
Freeloaders come in many forms; they can be relatives, best friends, significant others, or favorite f**k buddies. They can spend all day on the couch watching TV and playing video games or they can simply hang around eating your food and enjoying your indoor plumbing. They might also make frequent calls to Howto Keep an Idiot Entertained because they’re too dumb to get the joke the first time. A freeloader can be anything or anyone, but there is certainly one thing that they are not: welcomed. If you happen to be the target of a freeloader, it may be difficult for you to identify freeloader behavior, so it will be important to listen to the “objective” opinions of roommates, friends,or significant others that aren’t currently mooching off you.
Properly identifying a freeloader requires a complicated, scientific mathematical formula that I made up five seconds before writing this paragraph. First, count the number of bags that the alleged freeloader has on his or her person when first moving into your place. Let’s call this number “U.” Next, we’ll multiply U by the number of days your freeloader first says they’ll be staying with you. This number is “RA.” We will now divide the product of URA by the product of the amount of your food in ounces that has been consumed without permission (B), and the product of the amounts of time (U) and energy (M) that you have had to sacrifice in order to deal with this “houseguest.” Your equation should look like this: URA /B(UM)
If you work out this equation and end up with a non-imaginary number, then you have just figured out that your friend/relative/f**k buddy is a freeloader.
By the way, Chad, if you’re reading this, I want you to know this is not about you. I’m totally cool with you crashing at my place until your music career takes off. I think there’s a huge market for DJs who blend house and polka. I just need you to stop eating my chocodiles. Seriously, dude. They’re really hard to find.
Until next time (or until I figure out how to do math),
DeVon
