These are tough times for a fake phone number company. Try giving out the Rejection Hotline number at bars, parties, clubs, or your little sister’s Girl Scouts meeting and you’ll likely run into the paranoid, anal-retentive jerk that absolutely HAS to text or call you immediately to make sure you gave out the right number. So how do you avoid this situation? The point of legitimately using the Rejection Hotline is to let someone down without having to see the pain in their eyes, right? Well, something like that. Anyway, here are a few ways to pull this off without having to do the rejection yourself (you heartless monster).
1) Forgetfulness. Before your latest stalker begins to dial the ten-digit number you just struggled to remember, warn him or her that you left your phone at home, in the car, or at the foot of an active volcano in the South Pacific and that calling or texting you right now would probably get their number lost in the sea of strange numbers from other “admirers” you’ve just met. Instead, assign this person a specific time slot so you’ll know who’s number has just appeared on your phone. If this excuse is repeated correctly, this person will be so discouraged/disgusted that they probably won’t bother to call you anyway. It’s a win/win situation.
2) The Broken Phone. You can always say that your phone is broken and that calling it at that specific moment is likely to set off a chain reaction in the circuitry that will cause your cell phone to violently explode in your purse or pocket. Look frightened when you say it. Give your voice a sense of urgency. This doesn’t necessarily have to be an Emmy Award-winning performance, but you should at least get the point across that receiving a call or text from this person is not something you want. Not now. Not ever.
3) Physical Contact. Odds are good that the person asking for your phone number is doing so because he or she is attracted to you and wants to get to know you. Possibly over a candlelit dinner where neither of you are wearing clothes or having dinner. So in order to effectively stop this person from dialing and discovering the clever, heartbreaking little game you’ve just played with their emotions, you should attempt physical contact. Gently grasp their dialing hand, lower it into both of yours, gaze deeply into their eyes, and, with your powers of hypnosis, ensure them that there is no need to do that. They’ll be so taken aback by the sudden, intimate physical contact that they’ll completely forget what they were doing. And if that doesn’t work, dive in for a quick French kiss (extra tongue) then disappear into the crowd. I suspect you’ll have a good five seconds to get away while they stand there with “WTF?” printed on their face in big, obnoxious letters. This works in every situation. Except when you’re not in a crowd.
4) Play Dumb. This is a last resort in case you weren’t able to stop someone from dialing in time to make your escape. I realize as I write this point, that many of you probably don’t need me to tell you how to do your job. You’ve been doing this far longer and have become much better at it than I and I yield to your expertise. However, for those of you who were not born with the benefit of a low brain cell count, I will dispense the following advice: pretend you don’t know what’s going on. Then run like hell. Who needs to explain anything? You obviously intend to never speak to this person again, so make a quick, clean getaway. Who cares what they or the handful of people you trample in your escape think? If you did this right, they shouldn’t even know your real name anyway.
