Are you one of the unlucky few dealing with the burden of employment? Do you need to shed the excess weight of a regular paycheck? Noproblem. I’m here with a few subtle ways to make you suddenly less attractiveto the people who’ve been paying your bills and/or supporting your drug habitall this time. Your parents? No. Pay attention to the damn title.

1. Introduce your boss’ spouse as your lover at the next holiday office party. There are many variations on this one. You can choose instead to refer to him or her by any number of inappropriate terms of endearment: honey, baby, sweetheart, sugar tits, etc. This is most effective if you accompany this with a sly, knowing wink and an elbow nudge. This should help to clear up any ambiguity in case your boss is a complete idiot.
2. Answer the phones by asking callers to verify that they are not FBI agents. Eventually the FBI will call at the request of some freaked out client or whatever and you’ll have the distinction of being the person that hangs up on them and runs from the building with an armload of office supplies.
3. Do you feel a monkey could do your job? Rent one from your local primate dealer and test your theory. Not only will this get you immediately fired, but you may also get the added bonus of watching your simian replacement fling his poop at your coworkers. Everybody wins! Except your sh*t-smattered coworkers.
4. Bring a homeless person to work and offer to shelter them under your desk. Homeless people are a little like children: they enjoy box forts and candy and being exploited by total strangers for profit. If you’re trying to get fired, there’s no reason you can’t be altruistic as well.
5. Refuse to shower. Do I really have to explain this one? Really? Because when you show up to work day after day reeking of B.O. and misery, someone is bound to tell you not to come back. But they’ll probably give you the number to the Body Odor Notification Hotline (631-960-7171) first.
6. Create dolls in the likenesses of your coworkers and hang them from tiny nooses around your work area. As an added bonus to no longer having to go to work everyday, you may also score some free therapy in the process. And who doesn’t love free stuff?
7. Touch yourself inappropriately and file a sexual harassment charge against the company. Make sure you have witnesses, though. These cases rarely hold up in court so you’ll want as many people as possible to see you blatantly molesting yourself on company property.
8. Write a witty blog post about ways you’ve considered getting yourself fired and post it on the company website for all to see. If you’re anyone but me, this a guaranteed no-fail.

Until my meta-blogging jokes get misinterpreted by the higher-ups,

DeVon